in church

Goddess,

In church, the preacher never refers to his god as god such and such, he refers to god only, since to him there is, by definition, only one god. It is obvious what i mean.

You made a decision and an old slave will obey. How else could it be. Yet i am still a bit unsure about the implications of Your decision, since Your words can be read in two ways:

[1]

“slave, quit your vanilla job, cancel the rent of the apartment you live in, burn all ships and come to Dusseldorf with just yourself, a few clothes and the money you have saved for Me. Till the end of the year you will be My slave. After that, I will decide what to do with you, knowing that you will never be able to return to the vanilla world. Maybe I will keep you, maybe I will sell you, or maybe I will just dispose of you.”

[2]

“slave, each weekend and also during your vacations, you will come to Dusseldorf and serve Me in person. By the end of the year I will make a decision about your future.”

The first option is extreme, yet i would obey without hesitation. To not own anything anymore, but be completely owned by You and fully dependend on You. Slavery in the true sense of the word. The second option is almost as harsh, since it would mean i would permanently have to shift between two different states of existence, which in the end would probably tear me apart.

Once You wrote: I feed on your intelligence, stefano. Oh Goddess, how much i desire to be devoured completely, to be empty inside, mindless, a subhuman subservient creature, owned like cattle by a superhuman Diva, You, the Goddess.

This night i dreamt about 28 december 2015, almost the end of the year, the day You allowed me to strand on the shores of this world in 1958. A dream as a vision of excess, yet with a divine meaning. And in my dream it was a very cold day. Very early in the morning one of Your female guardesses visited me in the subterranean cell i spend most of my time, when not in service to You. She looked down on me, as i was shivering from the cold, naked and chained to the concrete floor. A high heeled boot on my adam’s apple, pressing hard. And then She hissed a cruel promise: today you will die for Goddess!

One hour later she had me ready and prepared. Bound to a small altar like a lamb on a slaughtering-table. Two other guardesses were present and Your Lady friend Mistress Roberta as well. A door opens, and i hear high heels closing in on me. A strong perfume, Your scents invade my soul, and then Your divine face comes into vision. A warm and nurturing smile. “stefano, today you will die for Me, and because of this, I will grant you a last meal, your favourite meal, although you never tasted it before. I will feed you with what has been processed deep inside Me, that enigmatic process through which I transform dead matter into something that becomes part of My superior being. It will be the first and last time I will ever offer any slave My divine manna, stefano. For a while, you will feel alive as nothing else ever before felt alive, since godly superfood is inside your body. And My scents will lift you from yourself, as you will be high on My oxygen. And twelve hours later you will die for Me, early in the evening. Let me kiss you, stefano…”

Tears are running down my cheeks, when You kiss me. A warm smile on Your divine face, when i whisper a final prayer.

Twelve hours later. The riverside. You and two of Your guardesses. Dressed in a black militairy uniform, covered against the cold with expensive fur. Down at Your feet, i am naked, hands chained on my back, a very tight steel collar round my neck. A heavy rope round my ankles, connected to a concrete block.

Once more i look up to You, and then You push me from the quay. The water is cold and for a while i am not able to breath. Visceral, i start to move my legs and after some 20 seconds my face reaches the surface of the river.

Once more i look up at You, almost drowning in the mythical river Lethe, praying my prayers to You, Goddess.

A delicious and sweet Romanian accent:

With Your boot You push the concrete block from the quay and seconds later i am drowning. Not afraid, but grateful.

What will happen? Is this the end or will a diver cut the rope? Just a test, to make very clear You indeed rule over life and death?

Such visions and more, when i suffer from my freedom, longing to be liberated from the illusions of self, and become Your slave and property.

Yours,

s